Teleporno and OrgasmO
by elf-pimps
Summary: The Truly Pervy Adventures of Teleporno and his trusty sidekick, Elr...erm...Orgasm-O. What happens when Celeborn discovers a book at Haldir's talan? HUMOR! READ and REVIEW! Written for the Silver-Haired Elf X-tasy Challenge at Little Balrog Yahoo.grou
1. Celeborn Discovers a book

**Disclaimer:** We do not own it. We don't rent it, either. Not even a boot-leg copy.

**Celeborn:** For the love of all that's holy, who gave these two permission to write about us? **Elrond:** I believe it was Zhie...she issued some kind of challenge... **Celeborn:** Zhie? ZHIE? Doesn't she know by now how dangerous it is to give Bird and Kath free rein at the keyboard? Eru's Great Hairy Balls! We won't live this down for centuries! Ai! The humiliation...the pain...the draft in those leggings! **Elrond:** Look at the bright side, Oh Silver One...we do get laid. A lot. **Celeborn:** True, true...

**AN:** This is definitely a silly fic. If you take this seriously, I will have to send Hal and Leggy after you with the silly string…and a thing of chocolate syrup. This bunny was born from Kath's idea about Galadriel and Celebrian's 'time of the year', and Bird's obsession with the ridiculously silly name Tolkien had for Celeborn aka Teleporno…(I mean seriously, I am not the only one, right?).

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Celeborn fled through the door, hastily slamming it behind him mere seconds before a large, heavy glass vase shattered against the other side of the door.

Standing with his back to the door, he sighed, closing his eyes, wiping the sweat from his brow and imploring the Valar to see him through this yet again.

Marching across the room, he cast several glances over his shoulder toward the closed door, hoping that it wouldn't open before he found his way out of the talan. He reached the outside patio without further incident, walked down the spiraling stairs that led to the forest floor, and was halfway to the March Warden's residence before he allowed himself to believe he had escaped unscathed.

Pausing only a moment at the door, he rapped sharply, and then entered Haldir's talan. For a moment, he thought no one at home, until he realized the rather large hump on the bed was moving.

"Haldir! Haldir! Oh, HALDIR!" came a feminine voice from under one end of the hump.

Celeborn rolled his eyes, folded his arms and leaned back against the wall of the talan to wait until the hump finished, er…humping.

The hump finally shuddered, emitting a very loud, deep moan, and collapsed in on itself.

Celeborn smirked, watching two long, muscular legs disentangle themselves from the sheets, followed by the rest of Haldir. He raised an eyebrow at seeing Celeborn leaning back enjoying the show, but never questioned his Lord's presence.

An elleth Celeborn vaguely recalled seeing before peeked out from under the sheets. Seeing the Silver Lord glance in her direction, she squeaked and dove back under the covers.

"Where is Elrond?" Celeborn asked Haldir, as his March Warden strode across the room naked, searching for his tunic and leggings.

"Last I heard, he was bunking with Orophin and Rumil, while Celebrian cools her heels. The fight they had last night was certainly a doozy - evidently Celebrian sent Elrond packing."

"Hmph. I can imagine…my daughter has always had quite a bit of a temper…takes after her mother. Tell Elrond I wish to speak with him as soon as possible. I'll meet him in the garden."

"At once, My Lord," Haldir agreed, jumping about a bit as he struggled to pull on his leggings. He finished dressing and trotted out the door to do Celeborn's bidding.

The elleth under the covers whimpered, peeking out to see if the coast was clear. Seeing Celeborn still in the room, she dove back, muttering something about certain Elves who didn't know how to take a hint.

Wandering for a moment in Haldir's talan, Celeborn noticed Haldir's collection of books and magazines. He stepped closer, interested in seeing where Haldir's taste in books lie…personally he was surprised that the big Elf read at all. Running his fingers over the titles, he uttered a soft oath when he ran across one illustrated volume entitled, "Teleporno and Orgasm-O - When Elves Collide."

Quickly, he pulled the volume off of the shelf and stuffed it under his tunic.

"I really need to speak with Elrond immediately," he thought, giving the hump under the sheets a solid thump on the rump as he walked past and left the talan to go to the gardens to await Elrond.


	2. Comic Book Heroes

Celeborn sat in the garden waiting for Elrond to arrive. Flipping through the flimsy pages of the vividly colored paperback book, his eyes bugged out in wonder at the adventures of the two heroes in the story. Each page was highly glossed and featured full illustrations, with little bubbles of text extending from the characters mouths.

Teleporno was dressed in a shiny silver cape, a crotchless body suit, and a black sparkly mask. On the back of the cape was a giant T that closely resembled an aroused penis.

Orgasm-O was dressed all in black, also a skintight body suit, but instead wore a silver mask. On the back of his black cape was a giant O with sparks shooting from it. His bodysuit was not crotchless, but instead had another O right over his enormous bulge, just like the O on the back of his cape.

Both were highly muscled, beyond even his March Warden's physique, and had lightening bolts on the fronts of their costumes pointing directly to their elfhoods.

This particular volume described how Teleporno and his trusty sidekick Orgasm-O had met.

_Once upon a dark time, in a dark place lived an evil lord who forbid his subjects to engage in pleasurable activities, whether it be solo, duo, or group. _

_For centuries this tyrant ruled, forcing his prudish ideals upon the lusty and horny folks. _

_The people prayed for a savior to come and rescue them from the cruel restrictions their lord held over them, and for a thousand years those cries where unheard… _

_THEN out of the darkness came a being of light with fair hair, rippling muscles, and an unending libido… _

_AND he HEARD the cries and prayers of the people to help end their frustrations… _

_He entered the kingdom and searched for an assistant, knowing full well that the evil was too great to be battled alone…And also that sometimes sex is more fun with two or more… _

_BUT none were willing, fear coursed through the people, afraid of the tyrant's wrath… _

_THEN one night, a dark haired elf approached him and in a night of endless passion, proved his worthiness to assist him in the dangerous task set before them. _

_AND THUS … TELEPORNO and ORGASM-O were BORN!!! _

_LONELY ELVES…FRUSTRATED ELVES…HORNY ELVES NEVER FEAR….TELEPORNO IS HERE!!!!_

Celeborn quickly closed the flimsy book before he could finish reading about their first adventure.

Elrond approached him, striding regally across the garden. The lord of Imladris was saying something about the excellent quality of accommodations in Lorien, but Celeborn's thoughts were still focused on the exciting and lewd pictures and stories of Haldir's book.

"You aren't even listening to me!" Elrond pouted. "YOUR daughter decides that I am boring and never listen, and she thinks she's fat…yada yada. I tell her that she isn't, and that I think she is still as beautiful as the day we met…blah blah blah. And then! THEN she kicks me out of my OWN kingdom, that I created no less….and you're still not listening to me!"

Celeborn refocused his attention, and shrugged, "Sorry, she takes after her mother."

Elrond snickered, "truly, I heard that she was throwing vases at you this morning."

"She is always like this, this time of the year. And for the next fourteen weeks, it will be a living Mordor. I swear, Melkor himself would cower in fear before her…"

Both grew silent as they pondered their situations.

"Um…so what were you reading?" Elrond piped up, trying to break the uneasy silence.

Celeborn blushed, "Oh, just something I found in Haldir's talan, some silly illustrated book."

"Mind if I take a look?"

"Um…I suppose." Celeborn handed him the book, and Elrond began flipping through the pages. Each time he turned a page, his eyes grew bigger and bigger. He looked up at the silver lord in shock.

"Heh heh," Celeborn laughed nervously.

"And you got this from Haldir?"

"Sort of, I just borrowed it, without permission." Elrond arched an eyebrow at the confession.

Suddenly a thought crossed Celeborn's mind, and he grabbed Elrond's arm and whispered into it. Elrond's features switched between shock, excitement and horror, as Celeborn related his newest scheme.


	3. And so it Begins

"Will it work?" Elrond asked, as he and Celeborn walked purposely back toward Celeborn's talan.  

"Of course it will work! It's brilliant! It's genius! It's…it's…" 

"Perverted?"  

"Yes!" Celeborn laughed. "I can't think of a better way to spend the next fourteen weeks. Plus, you'll be able to get back in the bedroom with Celebrian. It's absolutely perfect!" 

"Where can we get the necessary, er…items?" Elrond asked, raising an eyebrow at his long time friend. 

"I know a seamstress who's very discreet…if she's paid well enough. She should have no trouble at all with the designs," Celeborn explained. He was clearly excited about their plans, as evident by the increasingly large bulge in the front of his leggings. 

The two Elves made their way to the seamstress' talan, and soon had her bug-eyed, drop-jawed countenance smiling as she counted the gold they had paid for the work they wanted done.  

Having secured a promise that the articles would be finished no later than the following afternoon, the two Elves spent the remainder of the day hashing out their plans. 

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At dusk the following day, Celeborn and Elrond stopped at the seamstress' talan and picked up their bundles. She had made them as close as possible to the desired design, and was quite pleased with the results. Once again impressing upon on her the importance of her silence, Celeborn reinforced his command with a few more gold pieces. 

Leaving the talan, the two stopped for a moment in a deserted garden.  

"We really should get in some practice before we hit Celebrian. She'll know if we're just winging it…and she won't tolerate amateurs," Elrond said worriedly.  

"Um…how about her?" Celeborn asked, pointing at a lone Elleth who was strolling down the path into the garden. It was the Elleth from Haldir's talan the day before. Elrond nodded his assent, and they both smiled at the Elleth as she passed on the way home. Following her, they carefully watched which talan she went into. 

They waited and watched for her to blow out the candles in her talan, indicating that she had gone to sleep for the night. Listening in at her window, they waited until her breathing regulated, before slipping silently into the talan, and into the nearest closet.  

A few moments later, they burst from the closet, waking the Elleth, who reached for a throwing knife she kept under her pallet. The knife flew from her hand and impaled one of Elrond's braids to the wall. 

"Who are you?" the Elleth demanded, sitting up on her pallet and lighting a candle. 

"I am Teleporno, and this is my trusty sidekick, Orgasm-O! We are here to teach you the way of endless passion! Never fear, Teleporno is here!" 

The Elleth's eye widened as she got her first good look at the two masked figures who stood in her talan. Teleporno and Orgasm-O were dressed just like those two comic book characters in the book that Haldir had! The very book he was crying about losing. Wow…and here they were, in her talan, in the flesh! 

Stepping closer to the pallet, Teleporno said, tapping his foot a bit impatiently, "Milady, kindly remove your nightclothes and allow us to begin our instructions. We have many talans to visit tonight, and don't have much time." He stood with his hands on his hips, looking down at her, his impressive member standing erect in his crotchless leggings. 

Orgasm-O stepped to the other side of the bed, already fumbling with the lacings of his leggings. He wished he had had the seamstress redesign his leggings to be more like Teleporno's easy-access leggings. This untying and re-tying business was going to get old fast. 

The Elleth for her part was thrilled and excited to be paid a visit by the two comic book heroes and was hurriedly pulling her nightgown up and over her head.  

Sitting naked on the bed, her eyes darting back and forth from one hero's secret weapon to the other's, she licked her lips in anticipation. 

Her eyes widened as the two superheroes, jumped up, and hung suspended in the air above her for a split second, their capes unfurled behind them. They landed on top of her, Orgasm-O's mouth locked on her breast, and Teleporno's Elf-mobile securely parked in her Elf-cave.


	4. Erestor raises his voice, and Rumil is a...

Another scream shattered the now non-peaceful atmosphere of Rivendell.  Erestor pressed his hands against his ears trying desperately to muffle the sound.  Glorfindel sat in front of him on the couch of his office, smirking at his discomfort.

"BY ERU!  When will all this end!?  When will Elrond return and put a stop to this infernal shrieking!?"  Erestor raised his voice louder than anyone, except for Glorfindel, had ever heard it.  And Glorfindel had heard it only when it was his own name.

Celebrian had tied up the Farspeak line all week, complaining and shrieking at her mother about the problems with elves, and how unsatisfactory her marriage was.

"NANA!  Do you _know_ what my scumbag of a husband did!?"

Galadriel only answered with another question.

"Daughter! Do you want to _know_ what your scumbag of a father did!?"

And on and on it went, till Erestor thought his ears would burst.  And every year it was like this, for fourteen long weeks.  He prayed to Iluvátar that something or someone would rescue them from the torment.

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"Oh, Teleporno and Orgasm-O, must you leave me?"  The elleth pressed her hand to her forehead in distress, pleading the two disguised elflords not to leave her.

"Nay, my fair maiden," Celeborn boomed, wrapping his cape around himself dramatically.  "But we must go off, and fight evil and frustration in other talans!"  Elrond joined him at the window, and together the two jumped heroically out the window.  However, they had forgotten how high the elleth's talan actually was, and fell a considerable way.

CRASH!  BANG!  SPLAT!

Elrond peeled himself off of Celeborn, as he heard the elleth call down to see if they were alright.

"Oh, yeah," he called up.  "Every things great!"  Reaching out, he pulled Celeborn to his feel, and dusted himself off.

"Elrond, we gotta work on our exit."  Celeborn said, then quickly pulled Elrond into the bushes with him, as a familiar elf approached.

"Who would do such a thing," Haldir walked by muttering to himself.  "And it was my favorite volume at that."  The pout on his face was pitiful, and Celeborn knew immediately what he was referring to.

"We can't let him see us, or our cover will be blown," Celeborn hissed, pressing their bodies further back into the bushes.

"Ya know, if I am going to be this deep in the bush, I'd prefer it be Celebrian's," Elrond muttered under his breath.

Suddenly both elves ears perked up at what at first seemed to be a cry for help, but in reality was a cry of frustration.  Quickly both ran towards a talan across the way and rushed up the steps.  They breezed past a very confused Haldir…

"Hey, wait a sec!" He hollered after them.  But it was too late, they had already disappeared into the talan.

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An elleth sat on Rumil's bed, crying her eyes out.

"Honey, I am so sorry, but I have had a stressful day, what with Elrond having to bunk with me.  And all his incessant chattering about Celebrian has thrown me for a loop."  He pleaded with the poor female to stop crying.  "I didn't think it would affect my performance!"

Elrond winced when he heard the confession, but quickly masked his emotions.

"STAND ASIDE, OH PUNY ONE!"  Celeborn and Elrond marched in and stood proudly before the two.

The elleth's eyes bugged out at the sight of the impressive elfhood of the silver clad elf and bulge of the black one.  Rumil just narrowed his eyes at the intrusion and thought that the duo seemed vaguely familiar.

"Excuse me, but you are intruding on something…" Rumil sneered.

"Nothing!  They are intruding on nothing!  Cause you can't get it up tonight!"  The poor elleth sobbed into her hands.

Celeborn and Elrond flew to her side, "Do not let this poor excuse for a lover get you down, Fair One, for Teleporno and Orgasm-O will aid you in your search for ULTIMATE PLEASURE!"

"Hey!  Now I know why I recognize you!  Get away from my elleth, FREAKS…" The rest of what Rumil was going to say was muffled as Celeborn and Elrond grabbed him and threw him out of the talan.

"Now back to our mission," they said together as they turned back to the wide-eyed elleth.

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Haldir looked at his Rumil in shocked as his brother landed on his rump before him.  "What is going on here?  Something is definitely amiss in our fair city tonight!"


	5. Sherlock Haldir and the Case of the Miss...

"I know those two…I just can't seem to place them," Haldir said to Rumil, who was busily staring holes in the closed talan door. Cries and moans could be heard coming from the talan, and Rumil was NOT HAPPY. 

"I am NOT HAPPY," he said to Haldir, ignoring Haldir's previous comment. 

"You're not Sneezy, Doc, or Sleepy, either, but you remind me a great deal of both Grumpy and Dopey," Haldir remarked, whacking Rumil on the arm. "Will you PLEASE pay attention! I was saying that those two…whatever they were…are very familiar to me." 

"Have you seen them around the bathing pools? Maybe at the last Midsummer Festival?" Rumil said distractedly, still trying to see through the door of the talan. 

"No…let me think a minute…of course! That was Teleporno and Orgasm-O! It just so happens that I had a copy of just that particular comic go missing today…right after Celeborn left my talan!"  

"Celeborn? Really? I didn't think he was that, er…well endowed." 

"He'd have to be to keep Galadriel happy…anyone else would have to strap a two by four to his ass to keep from falling in that harlot's cavern." 

"Why would they be dressed up like two superheroes? And who's the Elf dressed as Orgasm-O?" 

"I'd be willing to bet next month's pay that it's Elrond…he's been having some problems with Celebrian. As for Celeborn…well, it's common knowledge that it's Galadriel's time of the year…when that woman goes on the rag, she's bloody dangerous." 

"So what's that got to do with my Elleth?" 

"Nothing in particular…they're just out to get their Elfhoods a workout." 

"Couldn't they possibly work-out with someone else's Elleth? I'm having enough problems with mine as it is." 

"Yeah, I heard about that…sorry, bro." 

"I've just been under a lot stress lately…it's no big deal." 

"Yeah, I've heard THAT too…" Haldir chuckled, earning a rather malevolent look from Rumil. "Listen little brother, why not let the gruesome twosome in there make your Elleth happy? It'll give you some time to recoup." 

Thoughtfully, Rumil pondered for a moment, then realized Haldir was right…the caped crusaders would take care of his Elleth's little problem, while Rumil could go soak in the baths and relax. Smiling, he gave Haldir the 'thumbs up' sign. Together, they climbed down the mallorn to the forest floor, whistling as they made their way to the baths. 

------------------------------------ 

When Celeborn and Elrond had finished with Rumil's Elleth, Celeborn flipped his cape dramatically behind him, pointing toward the roof of the talan, yelling, "To infinity…and beyond!" Rumil's Elleth was too busy panting and trying to regain rational thought to wonder at the rather bizarre exit speech. 

The two Elves approached the window of the talan, but, remembering their last attempt at drama, and the hard landing that followed, they opted to use the door.  

"We really need to come up with a better catch phrase and exit," Elrond said to Celeborn as they stood outside Rumil's Elleth's talan. "I also wanted to talk to you about my costume…these leggings are a pain in the ass to get up and down." 

"For Eru's sake, Elrond, stop complaining. No wonder my daughter threw you out if all you do is whine like this! Just take a knife and cut a hole in them." 

Celeborn put out a restraining hand, adding "I'd wait until after you've taken them off, Elrond." He gently took the knife from his friend's hand, shaking his head.  

"I think we should head to Rivendell now, Celeborn…Haldir seemed awfully suspicious…and Rumil did not seem happy at all…" Elrond commented as they made their way down to the forest floor. 

"I agree…it's time Rivendell was introduced to Teleporno and Orgasm-O! Dum Dum DUM!"  

"What the hell is 'Dum Dum DUM'? Elrond asked, his eyebrow shooting up above his mask 

"Theme music." 

"Oh." 

Together the two Elves walked toward the stables to get horses and supplies for their trip to Rivendell, singing their new theme music, taking little flying leaps along the way, their capes fluttering behind them.


	6. Arrival in Rivendell Thranduil meets the...

_NOTE: Celeborn's theme is to the tune of "Might Mouse"_

Celeborn quickly jotted down a note for Galadriel.

_Dearest Gladdy-Poo, _

_I am afraid that Elrond needs me urgently in Rivendell. They are having some accounting problems, (not a surprise considering the Rivendell Elves' lack of math skills). I'll return in about a week's time. _

_Keep the talan warm, sweetest Honey Bunny. _

_Love your sugar daddy, Celeborn_ 

"I really wish you'd stop ragging on mine and Erestor's lack of arithmetic skills." Elrond bent over Celeborn's shoulder. He snorted when he read their pet names. "You can't be serious, you call her Gladdy-Poo and she calls you Sugar daddy!?" Celeborn glared at his friend who was chuckling.

"Oh shut-up, and lets get going…"

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TWO DAYS LATER….

King Thranduil sat comfortably on Glorfindel's couch, sipping his goblet of miruvor. "You know, I wouldn't have stood for Celebrian's behavior one minute if I was Elrond."

Glorfindel looked from where he was crashed on the floor. The room was in terrible disarray from the party the night before, bottles were everywhere, and all furniture but the couch was knocked over. His curtains had been torn down and hung across the room, which also smelled an awful lot like hobbit weed.

He tried to get up, but he head swam so badly he felt sick, and instead opted to crawl along the floor till he could slide up onto the couch next to Thranduil.

"Say that again, my Lord…" Glorfindel clutched the side of his head, and closed one eye painful, keeping the other on the elf next to him.

Thranduil swirled the wine he was drinking and repeated himself, "I said, if I was Elrond, I wouldn't let Celebrian get away with such behavior."

Glorfindel's stomach wrenched. Erestor really was going to kill him. He must have told Thranduil the secrets of the Lord and Lady's marital problems.

Reading his expression and thoughts, Thranduil spoke, "Nay, you didn't say anything. Celebrian drank some of the wine I brought, which is much stronger than yours. She then proceeded to blab all about Elrond's 'shortcoming', before collapsing into a snoring sleep."

"Oh thank Eru, Erestor won't kill…" Glorfindel was cut off as a piercing sound echoed through the First Homely House. Erestor's screams of shock and panic shattered the still morning air, as he rushed into Glorfindel's room.

"OH BY ERU! I swear the Valar curse me!" He cried tearing at his hair. "T-T-They…" Erestor trailed off before collapsing in a faint, Glorfindel barely catching him. He laid Erestor on the couch, and exchanged a look with Thranduil. Both elves rushed out of the room at the sound of strange singing.

"Dissatisfaction never hangs around,

When you hear this Lusty sound!

'Here I come to get you laid!'

That means Teleporno is on his way!

When you're left unsatisfied at night,

Teleporno will come set you right.   
On the sea or on the land,    
He gets the situation well in hand."

Glorfindel paled at the sight of Lord Celeborn and Lord Elrond dashing about the council room in their costumes. Celeborn was singing at the top of his lungs and striking, what he thought were dashing, poses. Elrond was actually half-heartedly singing along. In reality, he was grumbling something about dumb theme songs that left out the sidekick. Thranduil leaned with his arms crossed against the doorframe and smirked at the silliness before him.

"So my Lords, this is what the Lords of Imladris and Lorien do in their spare time. Tis' a shame that I live so far from this insanity." Thranduil's voice dripping with sarcasm caused all heads to turn to him.

Lord Celeborn paused mid-leaping pose and crashed to the floor when his eyes met Thranduil's. Elrond just turned an unseemly shade of bright red, and tried to cover up the jagged hole he'd cut out of his leggings. Celeborn quickly stood up and brushed himself off.

"Elrond, I think we are busted…"

Erestor stumbled through the doorway, took one looked at the two lords and then passed out again. This time he fell to the floor, as Glorfindel didn't catch him in time.

Stepping over Erestor's limp body, Thranduil approached the dynamic duo. "And pray tell, what is this all about?"


	7. Explanations, and visit to Celebrian

_Note: Elrond's song is sung to the tune of "Underdog"   
----------------- _

Thranduil stood with his arms folded, his piercing blue eyes staring holes in Celeborn and Elrond, waiting for an answer. 

The two superheroes blushed a bright fuchsia under the King of Mirkwood's gaze.  Celeborn was the first to recover while Elrond just stood there still trying to cover the jagged hole he'd cut in his leggings with his hands.   

"What are you doing in Imladris, Thranduil?  Don't you have your own kingdom to run?" Celeborn asked, staring right back at Thranduil, his hands on his hips. 

"If you must know, Mirkwood had an extraordinarily large harvest this season.  I had a surplus of wine, and thought to bring some to Elrond. Now, if you don't mind, I am dying to hear exactly what you two are up to in those get-ups." 

"Do you like them?" Celeborn asked, rather proud of his costume. "We had them specially made for us in Lorien." 

"You look like idiots." 

"You're just jealous because you don't have one." 

"I wouldn't wear one even if I did have one, especially if my Elfhood left as much to be desired as yours," Thranduil said, pointedly looking down at the large opening in Celeborn's leggings.   

"It's cold in here!" 

"It's not _that_ cold.  The High Pass isn't _that_ cold!"   

Erestor chose that moment to wake from his faint.  Seeing the two Lords still in their costumes, he began to shriek once again, covering his eyes with both hands. 

"For Eru's sake, Glorfindel, _do_ something with him, will you?" Thranduil ordered, holding _his_ hands over his ears in a vain attempt to keep out Erestor's piercing shrieks. 

Holding his throbbing head with one hand, Glorfindel grabbed Erestor's left foot with the other, and dragged him from the room, still shrieking. 

Sighing, Celeborn decided to just tell the truth. It was better than standing there being ridiculed by Thranduil. 

"Galadriel is on the rag." 

Thranduil's countenance changed in a nanosecond.  "Oh, my dear boy, I understand completely." 

"Fourteen weeks of ducking vases, shoes, mugs, pitchers, and anything else she can get her bloated fingers on; I needed a diversion." 

"Of course, of course, completely understandable." 

"For my part," Elrond explained, finally letting go of his crotch, "Celebrian threw me out, simply because I, um…well…I am over seven thousand years old, you know these things happen to an Elf every so often." 

"Females! Now do you see why I never remarried?" Thranduil remarked, throwing his hands up in the air.  "You can't live with them, and you can't ship them off to Valinor." 

The three Elves nodded in sympathy with each other. 

------------------------------ 

Celeborn and Elrond crouched on the balcony outside of Celebrian's bedroom.  Elrond peeked in through the curtains, watching Celebrian change into her nightgown.  Celeborn noticed that 'little Elrond' seemed quite pleased with what he was seeing. 

"Is she in bed, yet?" 

"No, she's just slipping into her nightgown." 

Celeborn waited a moment before asking again, "Is she in bed, _yet_?" 

"Yes, but she's…she's…er…stretching." 

"Stretching?" 

Elrond shot Celeborn a look that told The Silver Lord it would be prudent for him to shut up. 

"For the love of Arda, Elrond, get in there and help her stretch! That's what we're here for!  And don't forget the theme song!" 

Elrond rolled his eyes at Celeborn, but gamely began singing as he jumped through the curtains into the bedroom.  Thranduil had helped pen Elrond his own theme song, and he knew that if he didn't sing it, Celeborn would. He mightily preferred if Celebrian did not know that the Lorien Lord was listening on the patio. 

"There's no need to fear, Orgasm-O is here! 

Speed of lightning, Power of thunder   
Finding g-spots, Wand of Wonder! 

Orgasm-O, Orgasm-O!" 

It was short, but it made Elrond feel a little more included in the whole superhero thing. 

Elrond leapt to the foot of the bed, standing with his hands on his hips, staring down at his wife, who currently had both hands working busily under the covers. 

"Elrond? What the hell?" 

"Shh, my dear heart, it is not Elrond - it is Orgasm-O!  I am here to give you pleasure beyond the scope of Elven understanding!" Elrond cried, striking a pose with one finger pointing to the sky.  Well, one finger, and "Little Elrond" pointing to the sky. 

"Oh, my…um…Orgasm-O, please don't let my husband see you here!" Celebrian said, in a very over-the-top tone, one hand placed dramatically over her forehead. 

"Nay, Fair One, he is in Lorien, sobbing in his cups because you have argued, but let us not speak of him.  Let us speak only of us!" 

"Oh, what are you going to do with me, Orgasm-O" Celebrian asked shyly, as befitting an innocent Elleth. She was really getting into it, now. 

"First, I will tear the nightgown from your body, then I will ravish you!" 

From out on the balcony, Elrond heard Celeborn snorting.  He made a mental note to pummel the Lorien Lord when he was through with his wife. 

"Did you hear something, El…er, Orgasm-O?" Celebrian asked, craning her neck toward the curtains. 

"No, no, nothing at all." Elrond bent and grabbed hold of Celebrian's nightgown.  Giving a mighty tug, he tore the fabric with a loud ripping sound. 

"Geez, I just bought that nightgown," Celebrian muttered, fingering the ruined fabric.   

Elrond bit back a retort about Celebrian never sticking to a budget, and flung himself down on the bed on top of his wife. 

On the balcony, Celeborn, sat with his back against the wall, both hands clasped over his mouth in an effort to stop the guffaws from erupting at the corny dialog and extremely bad acting he was hearing. 

Luckily for him, the dialog stopped when the bed began creaking.


	8. Things get ridiculously silly when Haldi...

Celebrian smiled with satisfaction as Elrond stood up from the bed in the early morning light.  "Do I get a peek behind the mask, oh passionate one?"

"Nay, my Silver Goddess!  But 99.9 of my power comes from my MYSTERIOUSNESS!"  Elrond stood up fully and proudly, with his hand over his heart.

"Ah, but I am afraid that you have ruined me for my husband, oh majestically endowed one," she batted her eyes and looked at him demurely.

"Never fret my dear, but I shall give him a few…um…pointers.  ENOUGH OF THIS PRATTLED!  I MUST BE OFF TO FIGHT EVIL ELSE WHERE!"  And with that he dashed from the room, into a giggling, sleepy Celeborn.  "ACK!" He whispered loudly, "if she catches you, the whole thing is over!"

Celeborn rolled his eyes at Elrond, and whispered back, "and what was all that about," and mimicking Elrond's voice, "_Oh, sweet silver goddess, I shall delve into your depths and taste of your honeyed silver liquid…_OW!"  Celeborn grabbed his foot where Elrond had stomped it.

"Hmmmph, just wait till it is your turn; pay back is a bitch."  With that Elrond turned on his heel and made his way back to the council room, Celeborn limping behind him.

---------------------------------------

"What do you mean, Haldir, you _think _Celeborn and Elrond are in Imladris dressed up as these two super-sex-heroes?"  Galadriel turned an unattractive color of purple, and Haldir had flashbacks of Frodo and the Fellowship.

"My lady, he took my Teleporno and Orgasm-O comic book, and the last I saw of them, they had on this costumes and were screwing Rumil's Elleth," he replied meekly, fearing the wrath of the PMS Queen.  Luckily for him, there were no vases left in the room.

Galadriel stood quiet for a moment, pondering something.  Suddenly a wicked grin crept onto her face, and Haldir involuntarily stepped back.  "My lady," he squeaked.

"I have an idea.  Who are the super-villains they fight against?"

"Um, the Evil Prudemeister, Venom Dick, and Tina Teaser."  Haldir gave the Lady of Light a quizzical look.  "Why?"

"Can you show me a picture of this Tina Teaser?  I want to be ready for Celeborn, I mean TELEPORNO, when he returns."  The evil look in her eye made Haldir awfully uncomfortable, but who was he to oppose the Lady?

"Of course…"

-------------------

Galadriel's handmaiden's jaw hit the floor when the lady walked out from behind the dressing curtain.  She wore a black leather thong, bustier, thigh-high black silk stockings, peek-a-boo garters, and black stilettos.  Her hair was pulled back into a whip-like ponytail.

"My Lady!"  Beinie could barely contain her shock.

"Call me TINA THE TEASER, the bane of TELEPORNO'S existence!"

-------------------------

"Lord Celeborn!"  Thranduil called out to the still costumed lord.  "Legolas has arrived, and he brought with him a friend!"  He called out pointing to a shy silver-haired elf, whose ears were turning a sexy shade of pink.  "I would like you to meet Celebdreth; he wishes to see Lorien, so when Legolas decided to come, I told him to bring the young elf with him."  The young elf nodded respectfully, as he could considering how Celeborn was dressed, to the silver lord.

"OH MY ERU!"  A high-pitched shriek of excitement exploded into the room, as Legolas flounced into the room and saw Elrond and Celeborn in their costumes.  "HOW TOTALLY AWESOME!  That is so like my favorite Comic Book Series!"  And he ran up and started admiring their costumes.  "Ada, Ada, I so gotta have one of these!" 

Thranduil rolled his eyes as Legolas chatted on about how cool Celeborn and Elrond were.  He also made a mental note to make sure that he talked to all the seamstresses in Mirkwood before Legolas could.  The last thing he needed was for Foreign Diplomats to Mirkwood to see Legolas in that get-up, with his Golden Wood erect and exposed for all to see.

Celeborn grinned at Thranduil over Legolas, "Sure, Celebdreth can come to Lorien with us. We'll be leaving tomorrow afternoon…"


	9. Back In Lothlorien Legolas is left alone...

As the sun poked its head over the silver tops of the Misty Mountains, the group of travelers, led by the two superheroes were already well on their way to Lorien.  

Legolas seemed to have developed a severe case of hero worship for Teleporno, having attached himself at the hip to masked sex crusader. He plied him with questions for hours, until Celeborn was tempted to knock Greenleaf Greenleaf unconscious with his own mithril crown.  

"Do you really have sex _all the time_? I SO wanna have sex all the time! Aren't those leggings really drafty though? I wouldn't want to catch a cold in my wiener. How would it sneeze? Eww. But I really wanna be your sidekick too. Can't you have two sidekicks? Please? I can be 'Penis Boy,' or something. Please?" Legolas prattled on non-stop for hours, occasionally flipping his hair back.  

"Your Ada said 'no' Legolas." 

"But…but…" 

"No buts about it, Legolas. No means no. Now go bother Elrond, for a while." 

Legolas pouted for the rest of the afternoon, but at least he did it quietly. 

The trip was the longest Celeborn could remember. Between Legolas' constant prattle, and Elrond's bragging over his exploits with Celebrian, and Thranduil's continual sarcastic barbs, he thought they might never arrive in Lorien. The only quiet one was the new Elf, Celebdreth, and, quite frankly, he made Celeborn nervous. He couldn't quite put his finger on it, but something was a tad bit worrisome about the Elf. Shrugging it off, he was pleased to finally see the borders of Lothlorien come into view. 

Urging his horse into a gallop, his cape flying out behind him, Teleporno led the thundering group into the forest of Mallorns. Skidding to a halt, he very nearly had his horse impaled on the myriad of arrows pointed in his direction from the squad of wardens who had appeared out of the brush. 

"Halt! Who enters the Golden Wood?" Haldir asked imperiously, stepping forward. 

"Golden Wood? Hey, that's what I call my…" 

"Shut up, Legolas…he didn't mean that Golden Wood," Thranduil said, smacking his son upside the back of his head. 

"Haldir…" whispered Celeborn, not willing to give away his identity to the entire troop of elves, "it's me…Celeborn." 

Haldir cocked an eyebrow, as Celeborn leaned down and allowed Haldir to peek under his mask.

Clearing his throat, Celeborn announced loudly, "It is I…Teleporno, and my trusty sidekick, Orgasm-O, come to deliver pleasure to all who seek it in your fair city! Oh, and we bring a few friends…Thranduil, King of Mirkwood, his son, Prince Legolas, and a friend of theirs, Celebdreth." 

"Penis Boy…not Legolas," Legolas said petulantly, under his breath, earning frowns from the rest of the group. 

"Um.._okaaay_…sure…let them pass…" Haldir said, motioning for his wardens to back off. He pulled on Celeborn's arm as he passed, whispering, "I expect my comic to be back in my talan where it belongs before I get back from border patrol, _Teleporno_…" 

Celeborn gave Haldir a curt nod, and led his group into the forest, in the direction of the Caras Galadhon.  

------------------------------ 

Arriving in the city, Celeborn pulled Elrond to the side, whispering, "I want to introduce myself to Galadriel, come on…" 

"Uh uh. No way. Not a chance in Mordor, pal. I am not going within 10 feet of her PMSness." Elrond said, shaking his head vigorously. 

"What do you mean? I came with you when you visited Celebrian! You don't have to come in…just stand out on the balcony like I did!" 

"No way, Jose. Celebrian isn't all spooky like your wife is, Celeborn…Galadriel will _know_ I'm there. And if I were you, I'd wait until dark. It'd be much more impressive." 

"Fine, you coward. I'll go alone. Might as well hit the baths now, then." 

"Good idea…you smell like a dead oliphaunt." 

"A bath I _may_ need, but insults from my cowardly side-kick, I _don't_ need, Elrond." Celeborn dismounted, and led the way to the communal baths.  

No one noticed Legolas slip away, and head into the city proper. 

-------------------------- 

Dusk had fallen, and the twinkling lights of the city sparkled in the night sky. Celeborn made his way to the Royal Talan, climbing up the mallorn the back way so that he could get to the balcony that hung from his and Galadriel's bedroom.  

Just as he was about to open the door that led from the balcony into the bedroom, he heard someone jump over the railing, landing just behind him. 

Thinking Elrond had changed his mind, he spun around, a smile on his face. The smile froze as he saw who had joined him on the balcony. 

"Never fear, Teleporno…Penis Boy is at your side!"

Legolas stood behind Celeborn, his hands on his hips, grinning broadly. His face was covered with a leaf-shaped mask that sparkled with glitter. He was dressed in a crotchless body suit, of a bright green, with "PB" in giant gold letters on his chest. Just above his proud erection, the words, "Golden Wood" were spelled out in sparkling rhinestones. He spun around in a full circle, showing his costume off for Celeborn. Celeborn noticed that, not only was Penis Boy's leggings crotchless, they were backless too. Legolas' firm backside peeked out from the hole, and for the briefest moment, Celeborn wished he had thought of that first. Penis Boy's cape was more like a shawl, only coming down to his waist. Celeborn realized it was so that it wouldn't cover the view of Legolas' butt. 

"Well…what do you think? I had it made while you were in the baths. Can I be your sidekick now? Can I? Come on…please?" 

Celeborn looked toward the door to his bedroom, where a light had just flickered on. "Okay, okay…just shut up! I don't want Galadriel to know you're here…as a matter of fact, why don't you go pounce on some Elleth, and get in some practice," he said, shooing Legolas off the balcony.  

Taking a deep breath, Celeborn flung open the doors to the bedroom, and stepped inside.


	10. Teleporno meets his Match and in which P...

AN: Penis Boy's Theme is based on the Sponge Bob Square Pants theme…and yes, I love that show…:P

--------------------------

The room was dark, and Teleporno couldn't see a thing, despite his excellent elven eyesight.

Then he realized that the reason he couldn't see anything was because his mask had slipped down to cover his eyes.

Quickly he adjusted it. The room was still dark, but now he could see. The bed was empty, which was odd considering the time Galadriel usually went to bed.

Teleporno entered into the room fully, and quietly closed the door. He didn't see the figure behind him that had been hiding behind the open door. Hearing a quiet rustling, he turned abruptly, but it was too late.

The figure pounced and knocked him unconscious.

-------------------------------

Penis Boy ran along the walkway between the talans with his arms stretched out before him like he was flying. He was singing loudly at the top of his lungs…

 "OOOOOHHHHHHHHHHHH

Who lives in the woods far from the sea?

PENIS BOY, PENIS BOY

Sexy and stunning and horny is he!

PENIS BOY, PENIS BOY

With his Golden Wood, the Mirkwood Treasure!

PENIS BOY, PENIS BOY

Penis Boy will take any measure!

PENIS BOY, PENIS BOY

To bring you ultimate PLEASURE!

PENIS BOY, PENIS BOY!"

Unfortunately, Penis Boy was known for his inability to think and walk at the same time, and thus, tripped over the side of the walkway. Well, actually, do anything and walk…plus, he'd actually been running…

----------------------

Teleporno opened his eyes cautiously, unsure of what to expect. He tried to get up, but only discovered that he'd been tied down to his bed, spread eagle.

Little Teleporno apparently had been having good time while he'd been unconscious, as his member was quite erect.

A rustling sound in front of him brought his attention to a tall dark figure near the door. His mouth gaped open and eyes bugged out in shock as he took in the view. Galadriel, dressed as Tina Teaser, stood before him with a whip twisted in one hand and a feather duster in the other.

"So, Teleporno, you think you can just sneak into just anyone's bedroom and give them nights of immeasurable pleasure?" She walked up to the bed so that she stood right in his line of vision in between his legs.

"Who are you?" He whispered, having not gotten that far in the comic…

"IT IS I, TINA THE TEASER, and the BANE of TELEPORNO's Existence! MUWHAHAHAHAHA!" She threw her head back and laughed evilly.

"Do your worse, oh Evil One! I can handle it! You shall never defeat TELEPORNO!" Teleporno was awfully glad that Elrond and Thranduil weren't here to see him in this position. He'd never hear the end of it.

He wasn't worried about Legolas; the dumb blonde wouldn't have known up from down and actually, probably would have drowned in his own drool at the sight of Tina the Teaser.

"Is that a challenge, Oh Mighty Silver Mallorn?" She took the feather duster, slowly and barely touching him, and ran it up and down the length of his erection.

Teleporno clenched his teeth, trying desperately not to give into her wickedness, as sweat beaded on his forehead.

"Tonight is the night, Teleporno, when I will finally unmask you! And the Super Hero Teleporno will be no more!" Her evil laughter cackled through the air…

-------------

When Penis Boy tripped he fell off the walkway, but fortunately had fallen through the roof of a talan underneath.

Conveniently, he'd landed in the middle of an elleth's bed, Beinie's to be exact.

Beinie also happened to sleep naked, and was quite attractive.

However, he was unconscious.

------------------------

Haldir walked into his talan and collapsed into his chair, exhausted from the week's activities.

Between Elven Lords running around Rivendell and Lorien dressed as Super-Sex-Heroes, Galadriel's psychotic plan, and border patrol, he was exhausted.

Fighting orcs was a vacation compared to this. Resting his arm on the armrest, he felt a piece of paper.

Picking it up, he read:

_Come to my talan tonight, I have the Venom Dick costume ready for you._

Haldir wondered exactly what Rumil was thinking of doing, as he read his brother's handwriting.

---------------------------

Thranduil sat drinking even more miruvor with Elrond and Celebdreth, when he suddenly realized he hadn't seen his son for several hours. A missing Legolas was a Legolas up to something…

"Celebdreth, go find Legolas for me."

The quiet elf stood up and left the talan. Elrond looked over at Thranduil.

"He is kinda creepy, don't you think? That elf."

Thranduil shrugged, "Lad's never been laid, but has the Johnson from Mordor. And doesn't know what to do with it…"


	11. Teasing the Teaser, Celebdreth meats his...

"You look unbelievably hot in that outfit, um..Tina," Celeborn whispered, his voice as husky as he could make it without injuring his vocal cords.

"Please. It won't be that easy to distract me, Teleporno…I am infinitely smarter than you."

"I mean it…you look incredible. My wife has nothing on you," he replied, trying desperately not to smile. "Look at you…firm breasts, long legs, tiny waist…it's been years since Galadriel could touch her toes."

"Hey! You need to watch your mouth, little Elf!" Tina the Teaser yelled, cracking her whip over Teleporno's head. "Galadriel is as beautiful as she ever was!"

"That's not saying much, now is it? Sure, centuries ago she was pretty, but now…well, gravity does take its toll…"

"How dare you! Do you know who you're speaking to, you impudent, impotent, little whelp! Galadriel was never merely pretty! She's the Lady of the Wood! The Lady of Light! Her eyes are the bluest in all of Arda! Her smile brings grown Elves to their knees! Her hair is a Radiant Garland! Gravity has NOT affected her in any way!"

"Please…I sleep with her every night. You…you are fabulous. Do with me what you will, Tina, for after tonight, I fear I will never again be able to find pleasure in that dried up, withered old nag I am married to!" Teleporno begged, putting as much feeling into it as he could muster. He watched Galadriel turn pink, then red, then purple, fearing for a moment that her head would burst open on her shoulders like an overripe melon.

"THAT'S IT! I can't believe you could be so stupid that you don't recognize your own wife!" Galadriel hissed, ripping off her mask and flinging it at Celeborn's face. Teleporno looked up at his wife's furious countenance and smiled broadly.

"So…just who was going to unmask whom tonight?" He chuckled.

"You…you…I hate you!"

"No, you don't. You want me. And I want you, Gladdy-poo. Just take a look at the Silver Mallorn now…" Galadriel was fuming, but couldn't help letting her eyes wander down to the pulsing erection beating against Teleporno's stomach. Her hand went to her chest, realizing that it was, indeed super hero sized.

"Did you mean all those awful things you just said," she asked, her voice gone very little-girl-pouty.

"Of course not, darling…I just couldn't let you have the upper hand again, now could I? The last time we role played you got to be the warden, and I had to play the hapless, helpless new recruit. It was my turn to be on top." Galadriel bent to untie his bonds.

As soon as he was free, he flipped her over on her back, his mouth smothering hers.

Gasping for air as he finally pulled back, she murmured, "Oh, Teleporno!"

From outside the talan, the squeaking of the bed, and the beating of the headboard against the wall could be heard.

Just before all fell quiet, Teleporno could be heard yelling, "Here I come to save the day!"

----------------------------

Celebdreth had been scouring the city looking for Legolas. Sighing he looked up at the very last talan on that particular bridge, hoping against hope that he would find the young Prince there.

He knocked timidly on the door. It opened, and the most beautiful Elleth he had ever seen peeked out.

"May I help you?" she asked in a soft melodic voice.

"Eep. Er…eek…um…gak," he answered, blushing furiously, looking down at his feet.

"Aw…you're cute! I'm Beinie, what's your name?"

"Celebdreth," he managed to whisper, not taking his eyes off his feet.

"Celebdreth - what a wonderful name," Beinie gushed, opening the door a little wider. "Celebdreth, I was wondering if perhaps you could help me…I was asleep in my bed, when an Elf fell through the ceiling of my talan. He's dressed most peculiarly, and I'm rather afraid to wake him, being here all by myself. Would you mind coming in for a few moments?"

Hearing the words "Elf," "fell" and "peculiar" in one sentence told Celebdreth that he found Legolas. He nodded shyly, still looking at his toes, and slipped in the door. Forcing his eyes up, he spotted Legolas lying on the bed, completely out of it.

Concerned for his friend, he moved at once to the bed, examining Legolas for any apparent injury. Finding no blood or broken bones, he deduced that Legolas would be alright once he came to.

Celebdreth, once he assured himself that Legolas still breathed, cocked an eyebrow at the way his friend was dressed. Especially at the "golden wood," which lay there limp and flaccid, like a deflated balloon.

Celebdreth turned to his hostess, and began to tell her that he knew this particular Elf, when he realized, for the first time since he entered, that Beinie was completely naked. His jaw dropped, his eyes bugged out, his skin turned fuschia, and, most embarrassingly of all, his "special treasure" was suddenly trying to force its way out of his leggings right through the material.

"Why, what is it? What's wrong?" Beinie asked, knowing full well what Celebdreth's problem was. She moved closer, wiggling her hips suggestively, coming to stand just inches from him.

"Legolas," was all Celebdreth could manage to say, jerking his thumb back toward his friend on the bed.

"Oh…is that is his name? Poor guy…" Beinie said, never taking her eyes of Celebdreth's face. "My, it's awfully hot in here! Aren't you warm?"

Celebdreth nodded his head, unable to speak. Beinie quickly divested him of his tunic. She ran her hand up and down the strong muscles of his chest and stomach, causing him to shiver.

"Still warm?" she asked, batting her eyes at him. He once again nodded, certain that he'd never be able to form words again. Ever.

Just as quickly, she stripped him of his leggings, and gasped as his Elfhood nearly took out one of her eyes.

"Oh, my! You are a very big boy…a VERY big boy!" Beinie giggled, blushing a little herself.

Just then, a groan came from the bed. They turned to see Legolas coming around. They knew he was starting to awaken because the 'golden wood' was already at half-staff.

Everyone knew that Legolas lived his life with a perpetual boner. He was perhaps, the horniest Elf that ever walked the planet.

"Argh…my head!" Legolas whimpered, putting his hand atop of his golden tresses. "Celebdreth? What are you doing here, and why are you naked? That's MY Elleth! I saw her first!"

"Sorry, Legolas…but I choose him," Beinie said, smiling up at her tall, shy Elf. Celebdreth smiled back, for the first time, not blushing.

"How could you pick him over me? I'm the one with the "golden wood!" Beinie smiled and pointed at Celebdreth's "special treasure." "You may have the 'golden wood' Legolas, but he's got the whole damn forest!"

Legolas looked from his member to Celebdreth's, and back again, shock registering on his face. He stood up and walked over to his friend, trying measure his length against Celebdreth's. Sighing, he realized that it was no contest. He stalked to the door, pouting about the unfairness of it all, and walked out of the talan. Being Legolas, he soon forgot why he was upset, and continued on his merry way, singing his theme song, and pretending to fly.

Meanwhile, Celebdreth taught Beinie the reason why he called his a "special treasure."

-----------------------------------

Haldir was fuming. "There is no way on the face of Arda, that I am going to put that on."

Rumil pleaded with his brother. "Please, Haldir…I can't do it…I'm not as, er…big as you are. You're the only one who can fit it.!

"Tough titties. I am not going to run around the city in that thing!"

"You owe me!" "For what?"

"For that time I caught you and Orophin…"

"YOU PROMISED NEVER TO MENTION THAT AGAIN!" Haldir roared.

"And I won't…if you agree to do this!"

"Fine! Just wait until you have border patrol with me…you're going to be cleaning the pissing pits for months!" Haldir, very reluctantly, struggled into the bizarre costume that Rumil had had the seamstress make. He finally stood, hands on his hips, glaring at Rumil, who nodded his head, pleased. Haldir wore a one-piece black jumpsuit, skin tight, that showed ever crack and crevice of his anatomy. It was crotchless, and his "hidden hero" protruded from the middle of the mouth of a hissing cobra, which had been painted around the hole. The letters "VD" stood out on his chest in silver.

"You look great!" Rumil gushed, "Now put on your mask, and let's go!" Haldir snatched the glittery silver mask from his brother's hand, and slipped it over his face. Together, the two left the talan, heading toward the Royal Talan.


	12. Venom Dick VS Teleporno and OrgasmO, Pen...

Finally, Elrond thought it had been plenty of time since Celeborn had gone to Gladdy-Poo. He slipped back into his costume and headed to their talan.

Walking across the way, he stopped suddenly stunned as a strangely clad Haldir and Rumil dashed past him and into Celeborn and Galadriel's talan.

Wondering what on earth those two were up to, he quickly followed them.

----------------

Haldir looked at his brother balefully. "I really don't wanna do this…"

"Stop being a ninny and get your ass in there! Fight for our Ellyth!" Rumil shoved his brother through the door.

Two sets of eyes stared at him from the bed. Celeborn lied with his back on the bed, and it looked like Galadriel was trying to see how far she could swallow the Great Silver Mallorn.

"Um…Teleporno…It is I…Venom Dick." Haldir said unenthusiastically. "Fear my wrath…"

Celeborn blinked. Galadriel choked, trying to not laugh around the Silver Mallorn.

"By Eru, Haldir, you gotta do it like this! FEAR MY WRATH, TELEPORNO! IT IS I, VENOM DICK! I HAVE COME TO AVENGE MY ELLETH…and Rumil's…" Rumil pushed Haldir out of the way and dramatically jumped up on a chair near the bed, striking a heroic pose, which would have been heroic if he hadn't missed the jump and fallen down beside the bed.

Rumil, blushed, peeked up over the side of the bed, only to see a hyperventilating Celeborn and Galadriel.

At that moment, Elrond burst through the door. Galadriel's eyes bugged out at the sight of her son-in-law dressed up as Orgasm-O, her eyes riveted to the rigid Rod of Rivendell.

"And this is the father of my grandchildren; no wonder the twins are so weird, though I can see why she likes him so much," she thought to herself, admiring his elfhood.

Then she looked at her husband dressed as Teleporno, and the same thought crossed her mind…

"TELEPORNO, I came as soon as I could…" Elrond trailed off when he saw Galadriel staring at him. "Uh…I see you have defeated the Evil One…" Galadriel narrowed her eyes at a sheepish looking Celeborn.

"NAY, TIS YOU WHO ARE THE EVIL ONE!" Rumil suddenly piped up, forgetting his embarrassing situation, as Elrond reminded him of his Elleth.

-----------------------

Thranduil stormed through Caras Galadhon searching for his son. "When I find that boy…" He grumbled, imagining what he would do to him when he found him.

At that moment, he passed a talan and upon hearing the passionate cries of an Elleth calling out Celebdreth's name, he pushed in the door and walked to the bedroom. On the bed beneath a giant hole, amidst roofing materials, was Celebdreth, finally figuring out what to do with his erection from Mordor.

Beinie looked up at the intruder and screamed, as Celebdreth searched for her special treasure with his 'special treasure.'

"Ahem," Thranduil cleared his throat, and Celebdreth jumped up and stood beside the bed looking at the floor, while a quite breathless Beinie tried to cover herself before the king.

"Where is my son…" Thranduil hid his amusement behind a scowl.

"Uh, I don't know, my lord," Celebdreth whispered shyly, trying and failing to cover his enormous erection that put even Thranduil to shame.

"YOU don't KNOW!? That boy is loose, wreaking havoc! I sent you to fetch him!"

"I know my lord, and I found him…but…but…but then I got a little distracted."

Thranduil's gaze returned to the Elleth on the bed, and he sympathized with the young lad. She was quite beautiful and tempting.

"Alright then…you may continue." With that, the king of Mirkwood left the talan in search of his son, hearing the renewed cries of passion from the talan.

------------------

Legolas stood in front of a grinning Elleth, striking poses that best showed off the 'Golden Wood.' He was singing his theme song…

The Elleth looked like she was about to split a rib from laughter.

"Oh for Eru's SAKE! Legolas!" His father's voice cut through the night air. Legolas paled and the Elleth finally allowed the laughter out. Thranduil grabbed his son by the arm and led him away from the hyperventilating female.

"DAD! Let me GO," Legolas whined. "You're gonna mess-up my costume!"

 "I'm gonna mess-up more than that, in about 5 seconds," Thranduil spat through clenched teeth, dragging his struggling son to Celeborn and Galadriel's talan.

------------------------------

All eyes focused on Thranduil as he kicked the door open to Celeborn's bedroom. The scene before him caused him to snort.

Haldir was hiding under a chair as Galadriel chased him with a whip. Rumil was on Elrond's back, trying to pummel him with a feather duster.

And Celeborn was running around singing his theme song.

"ALRIGHT EVERYONE! ENOUGH IS ENOUGH!" He bellowed. All figures froze at Thranduil's voice.

Once it was quiet, he softened his voice.

"Now, that I have everyone's attention, I have one thing to say. The next time you guys get this crazy idea to dress-up as Super-Sex-Heroes and Villains, and run about all of Arda entertaining your libidos…"

He paused dramatically.

"I wanna play…"

A silly grin crossed his face as all before him sighed in relief.

However, he did not let go of his son's arm…he needed Legolas to introduce him to the seamstress that made his costume.

THE END


End file.
